I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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