I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
