Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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