Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
