The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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