I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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