Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
