Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
