you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
