my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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