I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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