HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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