ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
whose ass print is on the piano?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
