I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
