I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
