Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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