I murdered the dance floor call the cops
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
