i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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