Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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