i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
