yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
