the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
