I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
