peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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