I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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