the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
