Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
