I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
