Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
