I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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