I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
