I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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