if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
