i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
