If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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