It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
