A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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