I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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