WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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