I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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