What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
