I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
