His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
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so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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