I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
