I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
