Where did you get a picture of my penis
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
