Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
