wrigley field is MILF paradise
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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