College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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