when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have feelings that need drinking.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
