Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
