so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
