you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
