after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
