I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
